La structure en parties et sous-parties est de moi.

Introduction

From tolerance (them and us, you and us) to belonging (us)

This is a serious topic, but it has nothing to do with tolerance. Or acceptance.

In that kind of topic, we tend to think in terms of “us, and them”. So the people who experience same sex attraction are somewhere else, separated. “They are not us”. And that’s not true.

Because that’s what some of you in this room experience (same sex attraction). Or know someone who… And you are here listening, and you are detached, because you wait for what we are going to say next, and wonder if there will be a bomb, if I’m going to say something mean about somebody you love. So it’s not about “us and them”, it’s all about us. There is no “them”. There is only us. So it’s not about tolerance, or acceptance.

Here is what this is about. If some of you experience same sex attraction, or someone you love: you are not accepted, you are not tolerated. You belong. You belong in the Catholic Church. So if you are nervous, and you can be nervous: this is not about you, and us. It’s about us.

Life is hard!

Second thing: this is hard stuff! And this is tough for all of (who?) us! And when we do that, something in us backs off, like “no no no, life is not supposed to be hard!”. But you know what? Life. Is. Difficult. That’s just the way it is! We sometimes think it’s just supposed to be a cruise ship.

Be alive is encounter difficulties, hardship. So if we are afraid of difficulties, we are afraid of life! Life is about being challenged! Imagine if you expect life to be a cruise ship… And it’s a warship. Imagine how surprised and disappointed you would be!

Sometimes we treat life like it’s a picnic field and not a battlefield. But life is not a picnic field: it’s a battlefield. And if we integrate that, we can start living.

So keep this in mind: for us, life is difficult.

Anthropology

1) Body and soul - You are your body

Image of the “next place” (after death) as a place where we are in peace, free… and without body. And hence we will be ourselves. But we believe in the resurrection of the body! We will have a body. If you’re a girl, you will have a girl body. If you are a boy, you will have a boy body. Because we are body and soul.

What do you call a human being without a body? A dead, a ghost! Because a human being is a body and a soul. And what do you call a human being without a soul? A zombie, or a corpse! A human being is a soul and a body together. You are your body.

Some say “I am not my body, because my real me is hidden underneath”. But people only know you through your body. You’ve only learnt things through your body. You thought with your brain. We are our bodies. [Example: take someone in the crowd (“Patrick”) and ask everybody “look at Patrick’s body”] If I had said “look at Patrick”, what would you have looked at? His soul? No, his body! Because Patrick’s body is Patrick!

Consequence: If you are your body, what you do with your body matters. It makes a difference. If you are your body, what you do with your body matters.

Recap: (1) It’s not “them”, it’s us ; (2) life is not easy, it’s hard ; (3) I am my body, so what I do with my body matters.

2) Nature

Means: the what-it-is-ness of a thing.

So: what is this? A chair! So it what-it-is-ness is a chair. But how do I now that? How do I know it what-it-is-ness? I know it because I know it’s what-it-is-for-ness [amen? Amen-ness And what is it for? To sit upon. So now [he seats] it’s living up to the end for which it was created. The what-it-is-for-ness reveals the what-it-is-ness.

Other example with a table: it what-it-is-for-ness is “to set stuff upon”. [Puts something on it, etc. plus recap]

Now: [puts something on the chair] What is going on? I put stuff on something which was made to sit upon. And I can sit on the table [he seats]. What is going on? Am I violating the nature of the chair? No! Of the table? No! So we can use things for our own purposes.

I can use an axe to do many different things. [Examples] If I use it to kill someone, am I violating the nature of the axe? No. Am I doing something wrong? Yes. But if you use the axe to sew, would you pretty soon be violating it’s nature? Yes. [Example with chair and table]

Conclusion: Everything has a nature. Sometimes we can use it for our own purposes without violating it. Sometimes it disintegrates the thing. The way we use it either fulfil its purpose or violate it.

With that in mind, let’s talk about sex.

Moral

1) Nature and purpose of human acts

If you were an alien scientist coming to Earth, and started studying the sexual act, what would be it’s what-it-is-for-ness? At least two purposes: babies and bonding of the couple. So procreation and unity.

What are the two what-it-is-for-ness of eating? Nourishment and pleasure. Have you ever been in a rush, not having time to enjoy the meal, and just grabbed an energetic bar before going to school? In those moments, you were just eating for nourishment. Doing that, you were not violating the nature of eating. Or: have you ever had a great meal, you enjoy it, and you’re full, and the waiter comes with the desert: “do you want the double-triple chocolate-chocolate cake?” And you’re like: “I’m so full, I couldn’t possibly even… Yes please.” In that case, are you eating for nourishment? No. Eating for pleasure and not nourishment, are you violating the nature of eating? No, not at all!

Now what if [takes precaution: “I know many of you experience this and fight against this”] someone was to eat for pleasure, and then fight the nourishment by making himself throw up. Would he be violating the nature of eating? Yes. And I you have been through this, you know this awful experience that you are not only violating the nature of eating, but it touches your very integrity. It feels like it violate my personnel integrity.

Because when I act, what I do becomes a human act, and it affects me.

So what about sex?

2) Application to sexuality

What if a woman come to her husband and say: “I’m ovulating right now, let’s go upstairs and make a baby!” Are they violating the nature of the sexual act? No, they just emphasize one purpose. It also happens that a husband and wife enter into the sexual embrace not really intending children but looking for intimacy. Are they violating the nature of the sexual act? No!

But what if they were actively removing one of the two purposes – having babies? They would be violating the nature of the sexual act. Same goes the other way. If we want to keep the integrity of human being, we need to keep the integrity of human acts.

It doesn’t just affect the act, it affects ourselves. The rate of divorce for people using contraception is above 50%. The rate of divorce for catholic couples not using contraception is… guess it? If “normal” is 50-55, maybe 45? Or an outstanding 25? It’s less than 2%. What does that point to? If I violate the nature of sexual embrace through contraception, I violate marriage, my own heart, I torn myself apart.

We believe that reality shows us something. If you were to study scientifically the sexual act, you would say: it for babies and it’s for bonding. If you work against any of those means, you end up disintegrated. That’s a hard teaching, but it’s ok because life is hard.

3) About contraception

The rest of the world is going to say “you can’t handle this” and will give you condoms. “You can’t handle this” and give you some kind of contraception. “You can’t handle this” and give you some kind of birth control. The Catholic Church respects you enough to say: “you can handle this, you don’t need birth control, you need self-control.”

If I don’t trust you, I’m going to try to remove your power away from you. The Catholic Church says: “no, you’re made to be powerful, but to know how to use that power, not just for good things but for great things.” That’s one of the reasons why the Catholic Church says: “we don’t work against babies, or against intimacy, married couples: we trust you. But don’t give your power away”.

This teaching is difficult… but life is difficult! One day a couple came to me saying “it’s so difficult to live this. Sometimes we can’t have sex for like the three forth of the month! It’s hard to handle this!” And I was like: “well you know how many weeks of the month I get to have sex? Zero!”

This call is not for less power, but for more power. It’s not for less freedom, it’s for more freedom.

4) About same sex

If this is true, then all sexual acts have to be opened to life. True for every sexual act, for it to have integrity. Otherwise, I’m violating the very integrity if the sexual act, and I find myself disintegrated. That’s why it’s for us, because it’s true for every human being!

And there is no homosexual sexual act opened to life. And that’s the teaching – which is the same for everyone. It’s not “ow those people are bad”. “They want weird things.” No we all want weird things! It’s true.

5) Attraction and act

[Personal example of discussion with best friend saying “I’m gay”] Only one question: “what are you going to do?” He was like: “what do you mean? I just told you I’m gay!” “No, you just told me something you experience, something you happen to be attracted to.” Catholic Church didn’t say any attraction is a sin! I have attraction for people of the same sex! Ok. I have attraction for people of the other sex! Ok! I have an inclination to being violent! Alright. I have an inclination to being arrogant! Ok.

What are you going to do with that? It’s your experience, not your identity.

What are you going to do with that?

So important for all of us. Your experience is not your identity. This guy thought he dropped a bomb in my life, in our friendship. But if it wasn’t this, it would have been something else! Because everyone struggles, everyone of us is attracted to many things, and have to struggle with it. Everyone wishes some thongs in him weren’t there. Because life is not easy.

One of the biggest tasks in life is face this thing in us that we wish wasn’t there, and learn to accept it.

[Examples: hate my body, attraction to pornography…] This is part of me, I have to learn to live with this and struggle with it. We come to God saying: “I know you love me, but you have to change this, I don’t want this to be in me, I don’t want this to be part of my life. I don’t want this attraction. You have to fix me.” And what we think is: “or you can’t love me, I can’t be part of your Church.” But what you feel is not your identity.

JP2: “You are not the sum of your wounds, your weaknesses and your failures. You are the sum of the Father’s love for you.”

You experience is not your identity because we all have broken experiences. And we don’t have a broken identity. So this experience is just part of my story, and I’m loved as I am, and I belong in God’s Church as I am.

[Story of guy with same sex attraction choosing chastity] Some react: “Chastity! You’re just asking him to be alone for the rest of his life!” But what do you think chastity is?

I also thought it was about being alone, and it kept me away from seminar.

« L'homme ne peut vivre sans amour. Il demeure pour lui-même un être incompréhensible, sa vie est privée de sens s'il ne reçoit pas la révélation de l'amour, s'il ne rencontre pas l'amour, s'il n'en fait pas l'expérience et s'il ne le fait pas sien, s'il n'y participe pas fortement. » - Jean-Paul II, Redemptor hominis, n°10

But we took this big, this huge thing, love, and we reduced it to romance. And then we reduced romance to sex. So when we translate JP2… [repeats] But it’s not the truth!

I don’t have to say “no” for the rest of my life! Nobody has a vocation to “no”! We have a vocation to love. It may start to a no, but it ends with a yes. We are made for love, and this love has to be more than romance, greater than sex.

Every husband I prepare to marriage tells me “you know we are different, because I’m not just in love with her: she’s my best friend”. [funny scene] We all realise there is something greater than romance, the highest form of love (after Jesus love): friendship!

Friendship? Awesome! Love? Fantastic! The only thing is: sexual expression of this goes with marriage (bond) and family (babies).

Regarding same sex attraction, Church says “Thanks you for sharing this experience, which doesn’t define you. You’re more than that. You’re one of us.”

Conclusion

It’s so hard to feel that you belong. My little brother came to this conference, and felt like he didn’t belong. A dear friend of mine came here and thought: they all love me, but if they knew, they wouldn’t, and they wouldn’t tell me that God loves me. “I have always felt like I don’t belong”. I don’t feel like everyone else.

That’s not “their” fault, the fault belongs to us. He does belong! But if he feels otherwise, it’s our fault.

If you experience anything, whatever it is, you belong here (in the Church). FYI: I’m attracted to women! And the Church tells me: don’t act on that. And I’m like: you got it!

Self-mastery leads to freedom. And everyone is called to perfection, sanctity. You experience that? Alright, you are called to sanctity. Can’t for the moment when the Church will canonise someone experiencing this. This person can be here right now.

You can be the saint the world is dying to see. Cause you belong here.