Debunking marriage myths that lead to misery

Avertissement : Cet enseignement est de qualité. On sera toutefois vigilant à son caractère protestant. En particulier :

1. le mariage est un sacrement, ce que cet enseignement ne mentionne jamais ; 

2. la Bible n'est pas l'autorité absolue sur ma vie : Jésus l'est, et il se fait connaître à moi par l'Ecriture livrée dans la Tradition de l'Eglise.

Introduction

There is a lot of confusion about what leads to a thriving marriage, what leads to a marriage with joy and fulfillment. And so many people are struggling in their marriage. Nobody brags about it, but it’s real. But actually, things can be better.

Regardless of where you find yourself, God wants to bless you. There are blessings and difficulties to being married, and to being single.

1 Co 7, 6-7. Both marriage and singleness are blessed. Now we are going to focus on four marriage myths. We often believe things that aren’t true, because they were taught to us in our family or our culture.

Myth #1: Marriage is a contract (Stacie)

It’s such a low bar, an uninspiring vision! That’s what happens when we let the world define something God created. When God created marriage, he gave it a beautiful and high vision. What is it? To be an image of God’s love for his Church. And the Church is described as the Bride of Christ. Jesus gives us the example: he loves us, he pursues us, he initiates with us, he protects us. He is the ground for the calling to marriage.

A contract has limitations, terms of agreement.

The truth is: marriage is a sacred covenant. It’s meant to be a life-long commitment. Mt 19,4-6. We aren’t the ones who came up with this social institution of marriage. God designed it. It’s by his authority that it is held together. There is no back door, no escape route in marriage. Of course, there is a lot of biblical teaching about what to do when someone breaks the covenant. But in this message, we focus on this covenant.

I’m grateful that I grew up in a family that emphasized the nature of this covenant, because marriage isn’t always easy. At the beginning of our marriage, we went through really hard times. At some point, I felt trapped in this marriage. But I’m thankful for that, because it produced a lot of freedom. Because divorce was not an option. So the way out from this misery was not out the back door, but through the problem. And we had to go through it together. And that created so much trust.

Myth #2: Marriage will mess up your life (Andy)

When I was working for my dad, right before I was going to get married, my manager told me, “Enjoy your last days of freedom!” He was on his third marriage, so he obviously felt trapped in every marriage. In The Notebook, Ryan Gosling says, “I think the idea of marriage is very romantic; it’s a beautiful idea, and the practice of it can be a very beautiful thing. I just don’t know if it’s for me, because I don’t want to be caged.” Some people think it will ruin their career, their freedom, their finances…

But Gn 1, 27–28 says that’s not what God thinks of marriage. God called marriage a blessing.

Truth: Marriage is a sacred gift from God. It’s not an obligation, but a blessing—something to be received from God.

So it’s false from a Christian perspective, but also from a sociological perspective (from Get Married, not a Christian book):

• In 2022, 75% of married mothers reported being “completely” or “somewhat” satisfied with their lives, compared with 54% of single women without children.

• Married men earn about 40% more than their unmarried peers, even after comparing household size, age, education, race, and ethnicity.

• Married men aged 18–55 are about twice as likely to report being “very happy” compared to unmarried men.

Myth #3: Marriage roles and responsibilities are old-fashioned (Stacie)

This is the one we are going to get some emails about… “If you live in a biblical perspective in your marriage, it’s patriarchal, it’s oppressive… it’s no model for modern people.” Probably a lot of you have heard that kind of things. “Now that women can work and be free, we cannot accept this.”

Now I would say three things.

(1)  There is a lot of misconceptions around what the Bible actually teaches in regards of men and women, husbands and wives, so we should look at what the Bible actually says.

(2)  You either believe that the Bible has authority in your life, or you don’t. You don’t get to choose what passage does or not! So when a passage is difficult to understand, I have to ask: “does the Bible has authority on my life, or am I going to just cross this section out of my life”.

(3)  When we bump up against to something difficult, let’s go back to what we know about God. That he is good, he loves us, he is a loving Father, he wants to bless his children, he created us with a design so that we can thrive in his love.

The truth: marriage works best when we embrace God’s design. Because there is a design. Do you believe it? It goes back to how he built marriage to represent his own relationship with the Church. So a husband has a role, and the wife has a role.

a) Husband role: leader

And the Bible says the role of the husband is to lead. Ep 5,23. So he his head, because Jesus is the head of the Church. Today’s society has a lot of difficulties with this. Because this authority has sometimes been absolutely misused, in ways God never intended. As a wife, we get to call out to the leadership of our husband, to affirm him, to make room for it. So as a wife, our response is to follow and support. It doesn’t mean you don’t have an opinion, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t count. But as a wife, we get to make room for our husband to step into leadership as the husband or as the father.

[Andy] Many people think headship means every woman submit to every man. That’s not what the Bible means. The verse says wife and husband.

Then you have to understand what leadership is according to Jesus. Mt 20,20-28. The one who wants to be the greatest has to become the least. The leader has to be the servant. Every authority I have is to be a blessing, to lift up others with the power and authority God gives to us. A man has a responsibility to go first, to initiate, to love by sacrificing and serving his wife and his children. If the man you love is leading like that, who wouldn’t want to follow him?

b) Wife's role: helper

[Stacie] Gn 2,18. Many of us have an immediate wall when we hear this word, because “helper” in our minds means “domestic servant”. “You get to be the leader and I get to do the laundry: that’s a terrible arrangement for me!” You get to have a brain and I get to do the meals and be pregnant. That’s not my dream in life to be your helper and schedule your doctor’s appointments.” I want to give you a different view of what God calls a “helper”.

In Hebrew, this word is used 20 times. 2 for Eve, 18 to refer to a military helper who comes to the rescue and brings deliverance when the case was hopeless, and therefore, without help the battle would be lost. In 14 of this 18 the military helper is God himself giving divine assistance materially, militarily and spiritually.

So think about that. God gives you the name he calls himself, he is an helper. This is an image of you and your husband going to battle together, you are on the frontlines fighting together. You are a necessary ally for your husband. Your role in your husband life is so significant. He needs you, your wisdom, your support.

The husband’s response to the mission of the wife is to receive the help, and make space for it, realize she has so much to bring you. I’m grateful that Andy makes room for me. I don’t have to fight for it. Andy wants my help.  [Andy] To married guys: a wife sees things that a husband doesn’t see. There are so many stupid things my wife saved me from in 20 years of marriage. I want her in every room, every team, every decision I’m in, because I’m so much better when she’s there! The Bible says a good wife is like a crown on a husband’s head. You need her to be a better man.

c) Heart posture

[Stacie] A few more things. God gave us heart postures. Husbands, the heart posture God wants from you is sacrificial love. “Husbands love your life as Christ loved his Church.” Wives, the heart posture is respect. And that correspond to our deepest needs. A wife of course needs to be respected. But she really needs to feel loved, cherished, to feel “I’m the one that you desire, and there is no one else”. And a husband needs to be loved, but his greatest need is to feel respected, to know that his wife thinks he is doing a great job, “you think I have what it takes, you’re affirming the ways I’m leading our home”, he wants to be respected. It’s a beautiful circle.

d) Pitfalls

There are also pits we fall in. For men, two extremes of leadership. One extreme is hostile domination. You don’t have a voice, it’s my way or nothing. The other is lazy abdication. I’ll let you lead, I’ll watch football or stay longer at work. You want to take charge with the kids, be the spiritual leader in the home, that’s fine. I’ll abdicate this responsibility. The women pitfall is to manipulate and grasp for the leadership in home. Movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding: my husband is the head but I’m the neck, and I make the head move. But girls you don’t have to manipulate in order to have influence in your home. Your husband can respect and value your wisdom when you bring it to him with respect. The other extreme is brazen insubordination.

Actually there is a lot of life and joy to receive from living God’s way.

[Andy] For a man, the words the wife says to a husband are the more defining and powerful in a man’s life. When I go on stage, I care way more about what Stacie is going to say than anybody else.

e) What to do if you're stuck

Stacie, what would you say to someone saying “I want to do this, but man I’m in a really bad marriage right now”?

[Stacie] Focus on who God created you to become. You cannot control the other, but you can change yourself, and be an example, and the way the light of God enters your house. Then, find something your spouse is doing well, that you appreciate. And praise that every single time. Focus on this.

[Andy] And for men, if you’re in that situation, and think “my wife isn’t doing this, and she’s sarcastic with me”:

(1)  pursue her the way you did it first, go back then and put in that energy, that sacrifice, that pursuit of her heart, the way you lifted her, you protected and supported her;

(2)  you’ve probably watched countless movies: have you ever noticed how the man is always the idiot? The one everybody laughs about? That is a tactic of the Enemy to tear apart God’s design for manhood. There is something so powerful in a father, a husband that is engaged in his family. Spiritually, he is praying, pursuing the heart of God. Your role as a husband and a father is one of the most important in the whole society. It’s more important than the government or the President. Don’t let the lies of the Enemy bring you down, receive that identity that God gave you, his plan for you to influence and shape the future generations.

[Stacie] When I got married, the pastor told me – I’m going to cry saying that – “there is a lion inside Andy, and it’s your job as his wife to bring that lion out.” Girls, your words to your husband have more weight than you could imagine. Your job is to bring out the lion in him. You want your husband to lead with strength and dignity. Your words are having so much effect on him. You may think he doesn’t care, and your sarcasm is misplaced. Use your words to spread life, not death. He can rise up to be this powerful man of God, and you are the one having the biggest influence over that.

[Andy] Whatever the state of your marriage is, the words you speak beyond your marriage, about your marriage, are crucial. So watch your words, stop gossiping about your marriage, and your wife or husband. Never criticize your husband or wife.

Myth #4: Marriage should make me happy

“Once I get married, I’ll be happy”. Jm 1,17.

Truth: Holiness is the goal, happiness is a byproduct. God is the one you should pursue – happiness will come then.

Conclusion

Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Sometimes we feel like we are to have it all together. But Saddleback is a Church where it is okay to not be okay. It’s okay to have difficulties. Many people are here in church because they have difficulties. And we are here because we want to help you. [List]